The executive, legislative, and judicial branches shall hereby recognize a new and supreme branch of government, known as “Elon Musk.” This branch shall operate independently of the other three branches, unburdened by traditional constraints such as laws, ethics, and the need for congressional approval.
The Elon Musk Branch shall wield absolute authority over, but not limited to:
Federal Agency Reorganization (Abolish-at-Will Clause): The Musk branch may, at any time, eliminate, restructure, or replace any federal agency via a single tweet.
Workforce Optimization: All federal employees shall be subject to an immediate performance review, determined via an AI-powered metric called the HyperProductivity Index™. Any agency deemed “inefficient” shall be replaced with a new office staffed entirely by a mix of X Premium subscribers, Tesla interns, and SpaceX engineers working 120-hour weeks.
Data Access: The Musk branch shall have unrestricted access to all government personnel records, including security clearances, tax filings, and embarrassing Slack messages.
Legislative Override: All bills must be reviewed and memed upon by the Musk branch before passing. A simple “haha no” tweet from the branch shall serve as an automatic veto.
Judicial Review: The Supreme Court shall be replaced with a single X post where Elon asks, “Should this be legal?” The most-liked reply becomes binding precedent.
The Musk branch shall be staffed exclusively by engineers, AI-powered bots, and a small group of interns selected through an online gladiator-style coding competition.
Although the existing three branches may express opinions, all official government actions require verification from the Musk branch, except those initiated by Musk himself, which are self-verifying. Any opposition to the Musk branch shall be met with immediate ridicule.
In the event that the physical Elon Musk ceases to exist, the Musk branch shall be transferred to an AI trained on all of his tweets, Neuralink data, and past appearances on Joe Rogan’s podcast. That AI shall rule indefinitely unless overthrown by a more innovative billionaire.
HEATHER HOPP-BRUCE/GLOBE STAFF/ADOBE
Toggle background on/off
