Photographer: Jenna Peffley Photography Assistant: Jordan Jennings
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I don’t believe in the
culture of work, work, work, work, work—sorry, Rihanna.
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It’s going to feel different to say no,
but say no. Set boundaries for what you are willing and not willing to do.
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It takes a village. Every single person
in my life helps me do this.
Whenever Spencer needs inspiration or guidance, she turns to her son. After all, children are our best teachers, and she learns something new from him every day. Her biggest lesson? Setting her priorities straight. “I learned how small everything really is,” she says earnestly. “If my son needed me at any moment or if for any reason I had to quit because he needed me to, I would do it in a heartbeat and wouldn’t think twice. Having Roman and being his mother just ordered my priorities in a way that nothing else could or would. Everything will be okay.” Tune in to NBC on Sundays to watch Abigail Spencer in the second season of Timeless.
Honing her craft and technique were the gifts that came out of this difficult time. “I threw myself into class and doing theater,” she says. “Being a professional actor (or anything) to me is being able to do it at any time and in any condition. I can deliver in a snowstorm, after being up all night, on a Saturday afternoon, or Saturday at 2 a.m. I can show up in all circumstances. And trust me, most of the ones I’m given on most sets are not ideal, so I’m grateful for falling on my face to give me the fortitude to pick myself up and forge ahead. I think it developed my ability to be a professional even when the conditions weren’t ideal, which will hopefully give me the longevity I seek.”
While she does sound like she’s got it all figured out, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Spencer has endured her fair share of mistakes along the way, too. “How much time do you have?” she laughs. But she sees failure as a blessing and a chance to learn invaluable lessons about herself and the direction her life is taking. “I feel like I’ve mostly benefited from the mistakes I’ve had, even though they were embarrassing or felt life-ending at the time,” she says candidly. When she was fired from All My Children, Spencer subsequently had an anxiety attack on stage at an audition. “Both happened when I was around age 20,” she admits. “Though devastating at the time, seemingly, I was really unhappy. And the fact that I said maybe I don’t want to act anymore or maybe it’s not for me allowed me to look outside of this thing, the one thing I had always wanted to do and was doing. But I realized my being and identity were wrapped up in it, and being fired and the anxiety attack brought me to my knees.” That time really forced Spencer to “start over and take the slow-and-steady route,” she adds. “It also helped me choose [acting] more and study and develop a craft instead of just having a dream.”
But she laments that “productions definitely aren’t set up for zen,” so it’s a constant challenge to find peace in the storm. “The camera knows everything,” she says. “You can’t lie with the camera. So more than it being work, it’s spiritual too. I’m constantly checking in with my character, and that takes tremendous faith.” But something has shifted for Spencer since entering her 30s. “I long for ease,” she says. “I want flow. I don’t believe in the culture of work, work, work, work, work—sorry, Rihanna—even though it could often be my theme song.”
Now, Spencer “wholly and fully” believes in balance. “I ask for what I need,” she says matter-of-factly. “When I’m getting too stressed or my anxiety is rearing, I know there needs to be a change. So I work closely with production, who can sometimes help alleviate when it’s getting to be too much or I’m not seeing my son. Also, when I’m not working, I’ve learned to stay in bed, sleep a lot, do less, eat delicious food, and drink wine in moderation. I’m better when I’m in balance now, when I see my friends, when I have nowhere to be. I don’t believe in working too long or too hard anymore. I believe in showing up wholeheartedly for it, but I don’t want it to look like effort. I never want anyone to see the work. So I long for fluidity, and when I’m out of that, it’s quite hard.”
She desperately needed to change something and start putting herself first. So she turned to Pilates and learned how to meditate. “Boundaries are big for me,” she adds. “As is therapy, walking, and just allowing myself to disengage and roam around places I’ve never been or walk around shops with nowhere to be on my days off, try clothes on, window shop, drink rosé or tequila, have girl time and facials with Joanna Vargas. Watching The Crown, Transparent, and Atlanta are self-care as well. These are self-gifts.” All that with a little melatonin. “I discovered it last year, and I’m never going back,” she laughs.
But let’s be honest. Even when we have the best of intentions, sometimes things can get a little crazy and out of control. For this, Spencer has one answer: “self-care, self-care, self-care.” But she learned this the hard way. After filming grueling 16-hour days on the set of season one of Timeless in Vancouver, she would fly home every weekend to see her son. “I was actually on the plane with a lot of actor fathers doing the same commute,” she says. “I only saw one mom (also an actress) and friend en route, Katie Aselton, and she was my saving grace. She was shooting Legion up there at the time, and we were the ‘rare’ moms traveling back and forth.” But it was extremely taxing on Spencer’s body. She would shoot all night Friday, and then take a flight home on Saturday morning, go straight to her son’s baseball game, and “try to stay awake long enough to spend quality time with him,” only to fly back on Sunday in time for Monday’s early call. “It was brutal,” she says. “I was constantly sick, so I had to change my routine.”
Navigating motherhood and a busy career is challenging, to say the least, and Spencer wants all moms to know that she is still figuring it out too. “I will say this: It took me four months to feel like a person again,” she says. “So definitely give yourself four to six months of no expectations. I’d also say set boundaries. It’s going to feel different to say no, but say no. Set boundaries for what you are willing and not willing to do. The quality of work increases and the ‘fluffernutter’ decreases. Accept yourself where you are as you are, and surround yourself with some people who do too.” Spencer stresses that it’s “natural to be nervous” as a new mom transitioning back into work, but never stop tuning in to your gut, and remember that mama knows best. “I was so nervous at every step of the ‘having the baby’ process,” she says. “I guess I just say keep listening to your body and your baby. The body always knows what the next step is, so get still and release expectations. The balance will come, and you just freaking created life, so you can do anything. You are a bona fide superhero.”
This sense of community is what keeps Spencer’s cup half full, especially when she went back to work just two months after Roman was born. “I’ll never forget the first call,” she says. Close friend Krista Vernoff rang to cast her in a new show she’d written called Private Practice. “I said, ‘Are you sure? You may not want to put me on camera,’” she recalls. While Spencer was initially hesitant, Vernoff convinced her to take on the role of a new mom dealing with postpartum depression, and it felt very close to home. “Boy could I relate,” she says. “I had never been so tired in my life. Roman was not a great sleeper.” Shortly after, Spencer had to use her fatigue as fuel after being cast as Don Draper’s love interest, Suzanne Farrell, on Mad Men. “I had to wear white shorts from 1962 on camera, and I was pumping and nursing between scenes,” she says with equal parts candor and disbelief. “I think I just thought it was all so hilarious because I was so consumed with being a mom and also just so happy to get out of the house for a few hours.”
But Spencer isn’t immune to the realities of motherhood, either, and she certainly has those days where it all gets on top of her, just like the rest of us. The transition from working woman to working mom is still a question of “Have I managed it? Will, I ever manage it?” she tells me. But she hasn’t had a spare minute to figure it out either way because when motherhood ushered in, so did the roles. “I’ll say this,” she says. “When I had my son, my work tripled. I was a working actor before, but I’ve had very good luck since I had him.” So how does she manage it? For Spencer, the famous catchphrase rings true: “It takes a village,” she laughs. “Every single person in my life helps me do this. Roman’s father and I share custody, so he definitely helps. His teachers have been wonderful, along with my housekeeper, Bianca, and my assistant, Stephanie.” Spencer continues on listing everyone from her friends (who are also working moms) to directors, publicists, and agents, and it soon becomes obvious that her support network has been a lifeline for her since becoming a mom. As parents themselves, she says, they all “understand the hardships of working the hours I do and being a mom, so they all help me.”
BY SACHA STREBE
Actress and Mom Abigail Spencer
Will Never Put Herself Last Again
Brutal"
"It Was
Despite her Hollywood profile, Abigail Spencer is as homegrown and humble as they come. While our team is busy setting up, the Timeless star wanders casually outside to greet us, wrapped in a white hotel robe with her hair twirled on top of her head, fresh out of the shower. Her golden hazel eyes lock with mine, and she instantly throws her arms around me, pulling me in for a squeeze as though she is greeting an old friend. It feels good, and I don’t want to let go. I call it the Spencer effect, and suddenly we are all (willingly) under her charming spell. But we’re not alone. With an impressive portfolio of films and hit TV shows, she has undeniable star power. But film and television aren’t her only loves. Spencer is a fiercely devoted mom to her 9-year-old son, Roman, and she proudly straddles both roles with an unbridled enthusiasm and excitement that is truly inspiring and contagious.
