Abuse is not love YSL Marie Claire Tracee Ellis Ross

WORDS: KATE HOLLOWOOD

“Wow,” Venus Williams says, when I remind her of our first encounter – her family coincidentally renting a house almost next door to my own. It was especially memorable because my mum had baked a cake and walked it up to the Williams’ house to congratulate them on their performances. “We’re practically family,” she laughs, before adding: “Wimbledon is very special for me. My dad had said, ‘Pick a tournament you want to win before any other.’ Wimbledon is the pinnacle of tennis; it’s one of the hardest sporting tickets to get, so I picked Wimbledon. And by the time I got there, me and Dad kind of had a pact, like, here’s the tournament you’re going to win.”

abina Nessa. Sarah Everard. Ashling Murphy. The horrific murders of women by strangers brought people out onto the streets and put violence against women at the top of the news agenda. Yet the scale of violence against women in intimate relationships rarely makes headlines. Gender-based violence is a global human-rights issue. According to the World Health Organisation, almost one-third (27%) of the world’s women aged between 15-49 who have been in a relationship report they have been subjected to some form of physical and/or sexual violence at the hands of their partner. Indeed, in the US, UK and France, one woman is killed by a current or ex-partner every three days, with men and non-binary people also experiencing intimate partner violence (IPV). The children of women in abusive relationships are also at risk. The pandemic has only intensified the problem, with incidents spiking over the past two years, particularly in those aged between 16 and 24. Police in England and Wales recorded nearly 1.5 million domestic abuse-related incidents and crimes in the year ending March, 2021 – a 6% increase (and nearly 80,000 cases) on the previous year. Yet, with just 1 in 5 women thought to officially report domestic abuse, the number of incidents is likely to be far higher. For most women, the stigma of being a ‘victim’ of domestic abuse, fear of not being believed and the fact that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she decides to leave, keeps most women silent about their experiences.

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The majority of violence against women occurs in close relationships, but most victims of abuse still stay silent about their experiences. A new campaign aims to change this by highlighting the red flags to look out for – and empowering women to speak out. Here, we talk to three survivors…

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EDITOR IN CHIEF: ANDREA THOMPSON EDITOR: SUNIL MAKAN WORDS: BASMA KHALIFA CREATIVE DIRECTOR: LILY RUSSO-BAH SENIOR ART EDITOR: ANA OSPINA CHIEF SUB EDITOR: NICOLA MOYNE STYLIST: MARCO ANTONIO MAKE-UP ARTIST: LISA STOREY HAIR STYLIST: JAMES CATALANO VIDEOGRAPHER: REBECCA MUNROE SOCIAL: DIONNE BRIGHTON, MAGGIE JOYNER PRODUCER: CLARE LAZARO DIGITAL OPERATOR: GEORGIA FAYE WILLIAMS ASSISTANTS: EMMA SEERY (STYLING); WILBERT LATI, BENEDICT MOORE (PHOTOGRAPHY) With thanks to The Peninsula London

‘It’s not always easy for women and girls to understand that they are being abused. Central to our work is educating people on healthy relationships’

‘It took a long time for me to recognise that it wasn’t right and I needed to get out of it. Then, when I tried to leave, things got bad – he could see that he’d lost control. ‘I am a smart girl, I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t know how to get out of it. You are trapped. You are terrified of them, because they will make threats. I was scared for myself, my friends and my family – he would threaten my whole network. ‘One day, he turned up at my school in the middle of the day and physically attacked me in front of my friends. That’s when it ended. ‘It sounds awful, but I was grateful that it happened in a public place, because so many abusive relationships only happen behind closed doors. It can be hard to prove the abuse has happened, especially to a jury in court. It becomes one person’s word against another. ‘I was fortunate that I was able to get a conviction and impose a restraining order. It was a horrific and very scarring experience though, and I’m grateful that I’ve been able to work through it. ‘Although abusive relationships can happen at any age, your first relationships are formative. If you accept certain partners or behaviours when you’re young, it’s more likely you’ll repeat that pattern as you get older. And if you’ve been hurt, it’s easy to think you don’t deserve any better.

Tracee Ellis Ross on style, sisterhood and solo adventures

That’s why raising awareness about the issue is key. Evidence shows that if women are able to spot warning signs, such as jealousy, control or isolation early, and can detect when a relationship is turning abusive, it may be easier for them to seek help and leave. A new global campaign by YSL Beauty in partnership with domestic abuse charity Women’s Aid has been launched to help educate women on the 9 signs of abuse. Through partnerships with nonprofit organisations, ‘Abuse is Not Love’ aims to highlight the early indicators of Intimate Partner Violence to two million people by 2030. In the UK, the brand is partnering with domestic abuse charity Women’s Aid to raise awareness of the ‘red flags’. When we think of abuse in relationships, acts of physical or sexual violence might be the first things that spring to mind, but as the campaign’s 9 Signs of Abuse messaging illustrates, domstic abuse encompasses a range of behaviours. For example, an abuser might blackmail you if you refuse to do something, humiliate you by putting you down, or ignore you when they are angry. Speaking to Marie Claire, Women’s Aid’s CEO Farah Nazeer says: ‘It’s not always easy for women and girls to understand that they are being abused. Central to our work is educating people on healthy relationships, how to spot red flags of abuse, and where to go for support. YSL Beauty’s campaign about the 9 Signs of Abuse is key to creating awareness and showing what an unhealthy relationship looks like. We all have a responsibility to call out sexism, misogyny and gender-based violence when it affects us, our friends, family and colleagues.’ In an exclusive for Marie Claire, we spoke to three Women’s Aid Ambassadors and Supporters leading the campaign who shared their own experiences.

The

‘I kept it a secret. Eventually I didn’t want to tell people other things about myself in case they caught on; I found myself being more and more careful. ‘It doesn’t surprise me that a lot of younger women experience Intimate Partner Violence. At 16-24, you’re still learning. Everything is heightened at this age – it’s when you find your best friends and figure out your future. ‘If a partner tells you what to do, or says they want to be with you 24/7, you think that’s a sign of them caring about you. People often don’t understand that there’s a fine line between love and overprotective love, and the latter can cross into emotional abuse.

CREDITS: DIRECTOR AND PHOTOGRAPHER: VICKY LAWTON CREATIVE DIRECTOR: LISA OXENHAM EDITOR IN CHIEF: ANDREA THOMPSON MARIE CLAIRE PRODUCER: GRACE WARN SENIOR ART EDITOR: ANA OSPINA MAKEUP ARTIST: CHER WEBB USING YSL BEAUTY STYLIST: JUSTIN HAMILTON STYLIST ASSISTANT: VANIA MONTIERO STYLIST ASSISTANT: GAVI WEISS TAILOR: NANCY SMITH HAIR STYLIST: JOSH KNIGHT AT CAREN AGENCY USING BLEACH LONDON HAIR ASSISTANT: MAIKO KOMORI MANICURIST: NADIA BLANCO STILLS + FILM PRODUCTION: OCTOPUS INC EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: NICOLA DORING EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: CLAIRE LUKE PRODUCER: BLAIR SMITH PRODUCTION MANAGER: CHANEL PARKINSON PRODUCTION ASSISTANT : MIA TESSEMA DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: MATTHEW J SMITH FILM ASSISTANT CAMERA: LOONA RIIA FILM ASSISTANT CAMERA: KIT DALE FILM ASSISTANT LIGHTING: WILL SUETZ FILM ASSISTANT LIGHTING: JOE BRAKEWELL DIT/DIGI TECH: GABRIEL LLORET 1ST ASSISTANT STILLS: EMMANUEL ROBERT 2ND ASSISTANT STILLS: VALDRIN REXHEPI SOUND: ANTHONY LEUNG PRODUCTION DESIGNER: MARCO TURICH OFFLINE POST PRODUCTION: TRIM EDITING OFFLINE POST EDITOR: BEN ELKAIM OFFLINE POST PRODUCER: ELLA SEDGWICK ONLINE POST PRODUCTION: COFFEE+TV COLOURIST: SIMONA CRISTEA ONLINE POST PRODUCER: SHANNEN WARD CHIEF SUB EDITOR: NICOLA MOYNE

pRIDE

& joy

FASHION: Whole look, Balenciaga

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Alice Liveing WEARS Beauty: Nu Tone Corrector; Touche Éclat Le Teint Foundation; All Hours Concealer; Nu Lip & Cheek Balmy Tint; Satin Crush Eyeshadow; Lash Clash Mascara, all YSL Beauty. Fashion: shirt, Boss by Hugo Boss; blazer, Esaú Yori; stockings, Wolford; shoes, Sophia Webster

‘If you accept certain partners or behaviours when you’re young, it’s more likely you’ll repeat that pattern as you get older’

ELLIS

ROSS

“The worst thing about those comments is they lodge like these worms in your mind for years to come. I took it personally. It really wounded me and, then, over time, it empowered me”

It’s clear that she went on to prove her naysayers wrong. She cites Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett as comedic north stars guiding her early years, before she eventually secured the role of Joan Carol Clayton in Girlfriends. “When Girlfriends ended up happening, I truly thought I had died and gone to heaven. I became a woman during those eight years. I became a seasoned actress. I learned the rhythm of television. I learned the difference between being naturally funny and being directable,” she says. Acting, it turns out, was Ellis Ross’s true calling; the space where she found her footing. She played Clayton for 173 episodes but says Hollywood never quite accepted [the series]. “We were in this bubble, celebrated and received so graciously and incredibly by the Black community. But the larger community of Hollywood was not aware of us. We were not on that radar.” After eight years on Girlfriends, which is now attracting new audiences via Netflix, Ellis Ross appeared in Reed Between the Lines alongside the late Malcolm-Jamal Warner. But it was Black-ish, released in 2014, that catapulted her into another stratosphere. When I ask if her visibility changed after Black-ish aired, she throws her hands up, almost in disbelief.

‘All of YSL Beauty’s 9 Signs of Abuse feel familiar to me. For 10 years, over the period I was in high school, I was in a toxic and abusive household. It began after my mother married my stepdad when I was 8 years old. It was a deeply unhealthy relationship. ‘There was a lot of manipulation. He’d say our home was a safe space, when it wasn’t. It was only when I went to friends’ houses or spent time around their families, that I realised how abusive the environment was in my own home. ‘I felt like I didn’t have a support system. It was hard for my mum to be there for me because of what she was going through in her relationship. So, during puberty, I would go to my friends for support for the things you’d normally go straight to your mum for. ‘Abuse changes you. Beforehand I was an open person. I had many friends, but when the abuse started happening, I felt myself sinking into a hole. You don’t want to tell anyone because it’s embarrassing. You don’t want to have friends over. In my mind, people didn’t want to talk about that kind of stuff; it just wasn’t normal.

‘People often don’t understand that there’s a fine line between love and overprotective love, and the latter can cross into emotional abuse’

‘Sometimes a partner will gaslight you and make you feel like you’re going mad – taking note of their behaviours can empower you’

‘This is why it’s so important that we start talking about the warning signs of abuse and how it’s different to love. With Women’s Aid, I go to schools to speak about these issues, via its programme Expect Respect, because I know that if I’d seen someone doing that it would have made a huge difference. ‘I want any person experiencing abuse to know that it’s not forever, and that you’re stronger than you think you are. Even though you don’t think it will end, it can – it did for me and it can end for you too.’

FASHION: Blazer, shirt and skirt, all COMME DES GARÇONS. Shoes, Jimmy Choo

“I don’t know that [friends] challenge me – I think they hold me. I think they dream bigger than I dream sometimes. And sometimes I dream bigger for them, too”

She’s quick to clarify that “this show isn’t a guide on how to travel solo, nor am I trying to be the next Anthony Bourdain. The show really lives somewhere between travel and lifestyle,” she says. “It’s about asking: ‘Can you be yourself, by yourself, out in the world?’” I let her know that I adored a specific scene in Morocco, where she opts for a night in with fries and taking out her braids over a night on the cobbled streets. A rare glimpse into the process of Afro hair maintenance that isn’t often seen on screen. The feedback lands well, and she signals to her agent, who is also on the Zoom call, to show the Morocco episode at an upcoming event. While her solo adventures bring her joy, I notice her tone softens when the topic turns to sisterhood. “I’ve learned how to be a friend from my friends; by being friended,” she says, her gaze drifting inwards. “I’ve had the same best friends since my early twenties, and then I have some new ones from the past 20 years.”

‘Like many 16 year olds, I was desperate to be in a relationship and have a boyfriend. This guy seemed great at the start. I was showered with love and thought he was so in love with me – that’s often a way that they can get control of you. But the relationship very quickly became abusive, both physically and emotionally. ‘When he first started getting jealous, I thought it was a sign of how much he loved me. People often don’t think of jealousy as a sign of abuse, but it’s a slippery slope and can become the gateway to other, more controlling behaviours. ‘Over the course of a year, things got progressively worse. He was very insecure and controlling of everything that I did: who I spoke to, where I went, who I was out with, everything. He would monitor my Facebook, text messages and who I was calling. He needed to know where I was all the time. ‘Once, when I had wanted to leave, he sat on the edge of a railway bridge and said he was going to kill himself. I’m an empath at heart. I was incredibly traumatised by the whole experience. It’s about the mind games with an abuser – you want to leave but they draw you back in.

racee Ellis Ross radiates a kind of light that’s hard to define. It’s warm, alive and utterly disarming. She arrives on Zoom four minutes past our meeting time profusely apologising, as though I’d been waiting an hour. Her computer, she says, staged a protest after being neglected for weeks. I tease her for not needing to be glued to a screen like the rest of us by venture of her acting career, but she quickly quips that she is also a CEO, her voice calm and assertive – a reminder that she's more than the box people may put her in. We instantly bond and Ellis Ross, whose birth name is Tracee Joy Silberstein, gleefully explains how her mother – the legendary singer Diana Ross – claimed she came out of the womb joyful, so her name made sense. I tell her I feel the same, as my name means ‘smile’ in Arabic. “Well, which came first – the chicken or the egg?” she laughs. Joy, it seems, is her most natural state. Ellis Ross softens when I ask what quieter lessons she absorbed early on that shaped her admirable level of confidence. “I started wearing glasses at a very young age,” she says. “In first grade, my teacher didn’t believe me when I said I couldn’t see the blackboard. So, from the age of six, I had this sense of how to express myself in a way that is about being understood”.

‘If you accept certain partners or behaviours when you’re young, it’s more likely you’ll repeat that pattern as you get older’

She grabs her phone and asks me if I can see her screensaver, a childhood photo of little Tracee Joy in glasses – the same image she sees every time she unlocks her phone. “There was a vulnerability there, because I couldn’t see,” she reflects. “It’s very much part of my soft centre.” She pauses, trying to recall a favourite quote: “Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life,” she recites. I later find out these words form part of Alcoholic Anonymous’s Third Step Prayer – but she’s made it her own. “My vulnerabilities have allowed me to connect with the vulnerabilities of others,” she says softly. Then, in true Ellis Ross fashion, she swings back to joy. “I always joke that I have these big eyes that don’t work,” she laughs. Yet, beyond the electric fashion, it feels like the first glimpse into the actor’s sacred, private core; a place she holds close for the people she loves most. From the outside, Ellis Ross is the OG of self-possession: a woman who knows who she is. But when I bring up self-confidence she gently resists. “I don’t know that I’ve ever used that word,” she says. “It’s something society seems to chase, but it’s not how I see myself. I think my identity is very anchored in a sense of wholeness…” she begins, her thoughts moving faster than her words. I watch as her face connects to another memory: “I remember when I started modelling, so I loved fashion from a young age. I remember going in my mom’s closet. I would go with her to fittings and there was a sense of agency and power that lived in fashion that I really identified with. That idea really stuck with me,” she says.

“The worst thing about those comments is they lodge like these worms in your mind for years to come. I took it personally. It really wounded me and, then, over time, it empowered me”

Eventually, Ellis Ross left the modelling world behind, following her instinct toward something more aligned with who she wanted to become. She landed a job as a stylist and fashion editor at Mirabella magazine, working alongside her now-best friend Samira Nasr, who would go on to become Harper’s Bazaar’s first Black female Editor-in-Chief. But something still felt off. “I love this. I love clothes,” she remembers thinking, “but it’s not enough for me as a career… I will keep loving clothes but I need to find something else.” And with that began years of acting auditions. First in New York, then eventually Los Angeles. Like so many, she did the gruelling audition circuit. But despite her famous lineage and a growing star-studded circle, her early days in the industry were anything but easy. “I was a failure at the beginning of my career,” she says plainly. “I couldn’t get hired. I would audition and audition. I got dropped by an agent who said, ‘Here’s the thing about you, Tracee: you’re so interesting, you’ve got style… but when you go into a room, you just don’t pop’.” We giggle in horror over the years of therapy it must have taken to unravel that attack on her being. Then Ellis Ross leans into the vulnerability of it: “The worst thing about those comments is they lodge like these worms in your mind for years to come. I took it personally. It really wounded me and, then, over time, it empowered me. What I did was ask myself, ‘Do I think I pop? What if I’m not popping? What is it that’s making me not pop? How am I afraid to show the Tracee that exists?’”

It’s clear that she went on to prove her naysayers wrong. She cites Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett as comedic north stars guiding her early years, before she eventually secured the role of Joan Carol Clayton in Girlfriends. “When Girlfriends ended up happening, I truly thought I had died and gone to heaven. I became a woman during those eight years. I became a seasoned actress. I learned the rhythm of television. I learned the difference between being naturally funny and being directable,” she says. Acting, it turns out, was Ellis Ross’s true calling; the space where she found her footing. She played Clayton for 173 episodes but says Hollywood never quite accepted [the series]. “We were in this bubble celebrated and received so graciously and incredibly by the Black community. But the larger community of Hollywood was not aware of us. We were not on that radar.” After eight years on Girlfriends, which is now attracting new audiences via Netflix, Ellis Ross appeared in Reed Between the Lines alongside the late Malcolm-Jamal Warner. But it was Black-ish, released in 2014, that catapulted her into another stratosphere. When I ask if her visibility changed after Black-ish aired, she throws her hands up, almost in disbelief.

“When Girlfriends ended up happening, I truly thought I had died and gone to heaven. I became a woman during those eight years”

“It was like a skyrocketed difference,” she says. “All of a sudden it was Emmys, talk shows, magazine covers, things I never had access to before. My platform to use my voice expanded and it all led to a very different, more public identity.” The show was a cultural juggernaut. It won five Emmy nominations and earned Ellis Ross a Golden Globe, marking the first time in 30 years that a Black actress had been nominated in the lead comedy category. Never one to stay in a single lane, though, Ellis Ross expanded her creative empire in 2019 and launched Pattern – a haircare line designed specifically for curly, coily and tight-textured hair. As founder and CEO, she stepped into new territory, but with the same sense of clarity and purpose that has defined her career. I ask what becoming a CEO has taught her? “I guess I would use confidence here,” she says. “There was no question in my mind that it was needed. There wasn’t a brand I saw that catered to the full range of what I, and so many others, were looking for. Not just in terms of product effectiveness, but having it all in one line.” Her passion intensifies as she talks about the deeper intention behind the brand: “Marketing is often based on this idea that something is wrong with you and we need to shame you into buying a solution. I completely disagree. I feel like I make the best purchases when I already feel good about myself.”

Sometimes a partner will gaslight you and make you feel like you’re going mad – taking note of their behaviours can empower you’

Pattern was 10 years in the making and Ellis Ross doesn’t sugarcoat the struggle. “When I received a no, it taught me to ask myself a series of questions,” she says. “Do I agree with the no? Did I express my idea effectively? Had I fully thought it through? Or… maybe I did agree and it was time to let that idea go.” She pauses, then adds: “I allow myself to feel the hit. I’m porous. I feel things deeply. But when I’m ready without shame, I ask myself those questions. That’s what helps me get clearer. That’s what keeps me moving toward the goal.” The conversation turns to style and she lights up. With more than 11 million Instagram followers and an internet presence built on a bold, joyous wardrobe, her love affair with fashion is a full-blown adventure. Where did it all start? “I feel like I came out of the womb like, ‘Where’s Barneys?’” she laughs, throwing her hands in the air. “I saw that the way you adorn yourself could express identity,” she continues. “Clothing can show people how you want to be seen. For a long time what I wore was armour and sometimes it still is. I don’t actually think it’s fashion I love – it’s style.” Scroll through her Instagram feed and it’s clear Ellis Ross dresses for her mood, which, more often than not, is fabulously chic and fun – a hard tightrope to master for even the fashion elites. | She references creative directors more than designers as her inspirations: “Matthieu Blazy, Pieter Mulier at Alaïa, Marc Jacobs… we came up in the same generation, so there’s a real affinity in our references. We went to the Met Ball together this year and had so much fun.”

OPENING IMAGE FASHION: DRESS AND CAPE, BOTH MARINE SERRE. BOOTS, JIMMY CHOO. NECKLACE, GRAFF.

Alice Liveing

Fitness influencer, personal trainer, author, founder of @givemestrengthapp

‘That is why it’s so important to target young people with information on what a good relationship looks like and start them out on a healthier path. ‘Thanks to movements like #MeToo and the growth of social media we’re living in a time when more people are able to recognise red flags in relationships and question behaviours that were once deemed completely normal. ‘This campaign encourages women to ask questions. After all, it’s much more empowering to encourage people to question [a situation] for themselves. If there’s one thing that I know about abusive relationships, it’s that going in and telling someone that their partner is abusive and they need to leave is the worst thing you can do. For a lot of people, that will push them further away. You’ve got to remember that abusers are very manipulative. Often they will be telling you that your family or your friends are the real problem. ‘If you’re worried that someone you know might be in an unhealthy relationship, you have to lead with compassion and curiosity. Let them know that they can talk to you anytime – it gives them the opportunity to come to you if or when they are ready.’

Phoenix Brown wears Beauty: Touche Éclat Blur Primer; Nu Bare Look Tint; Touche Éclat Illuminating Pen; All Hours Setting Powder; Dessin Des Lèvres Lip Liner; Couture Brow, all YSL Beauty. Fashion: blazer, Tommy Hilfiger; trousers, COS

Phoenix Brown

Media personality and influencer

Michelle Griffith-Robison

Great Britain Olympian, life coach, mum of three

Michelle Griffith-Robinson WEARS Beauty: Nu Glow In Balm; Fusion Ink Foundation SPF18; Touche Éclat High Cover Concealer; Matte Mono Eyeshadow; Crushliner Waterproof Eyeliner; Libre Eau De Parfum, all YSL Beauty. Fashion: dress, Reformation; boots, Kalda; jewellery, model’s own

‘From my experience, there are some common misunderstandings about abuse. For example, people often think abuse is only physical. “They’re not hitting me”, they’ll say, but as the signs illustrate, abuse can come in many non-physical forms. “But they’re only like it sometimes” is another common misconception that we have to reframe – because abusive behaviours shouldn’t be happening at all. ‘There are also misunderstandings in how we use the word abuse. It can be used too flippantly, like, “He was late last night, he’s abusing my time”. But arguments, disappointments and disagreements are a natural part of relationships. ‘For me, if you feel threatened by your partner’s behaviour, that’s a red flag. Abuse is when someone disrespects you again and again; when they try to control where you go, what you look like, who you speak to or how you manage your time.

‘Typically, people who abuse others have been through some form of trauma themselves. But no matter how compassionate you are, you are not in a relationship to fix somebody’s problems. You are there to support your partner while they work through their trauma with someone whose job it is to help them, like a therapist. Ultimately, people have to be accountable for their own actions. ‘We need schools to be pushing positive messages about what a healthy relationship looks like from a young age. When young people leave home at 18, they need to have clearly defined boundaries about what behaviour is acceptable in a relationship. Even if they are not getting a good example of a healthy relationship at home, they need to know that it is out there. They need to know what normal looks like. ‘I encourage young people to find a group of friends who actively look out for each other. Friends can help educate each other on the red flags of abuse and pull each other to one side if a relationship doesn’t seem healthy. ‘And if you’re experiencing any of the signs of abuse in your own relationship, I’d encourage you to log your partner’s behaviour. In these situations, sometimes a partner will gaslight you and make you feel like you’re going mad – taking note of their behaviours can empower you. ‘Finally, seek some advice through the Women’s Aid Live Chat. They are there to listen and can reassure you that you’re not on your own, you’re not going mad, and that it’s definitely not your fault.’

Spot the Signs

Emotionally abusive behaviours are often the first signs of abuse in an intimate relationship. In the UK, YSL Beauty is partnering with Women’s Aid to raise awareness about these warning signs, which fall into the following categories:

Intimidation

Instilling fear and gaslighting

Refusing to acknowledge or speak to you

Ignoring

Using threats to control your behaviour

Blackmailing

Coercing you into something against your will

Manipulation

Encroaching on your privacy

Intrusion

Putting you down and diminishing your self-worth

Humiliation

Acting out of irrational paranoia, mistrust and possessiveness

Jealousy

Taking over your daily decisions

Control

Cutting you off from friends and family

Isolation

To find out more about the signs of abuse and how to seek support, visit www.womensaid.org.uk

Alice Liveing

Fitness influencer, personal trainer, author, founder of @givemestrengthapp

‘People often don’t understand that there’s a fine line between love and overprotective love, and the latter can cross into emotional abuse’

As a jobbing actress in Hollywood, she found joy in thrifting, too. She lights up reminiscing over a pair of salmon cords from Levi’s she once owned, adding: “I used to comb vintage stores wherever I went – San Francisco, Miami, everywhere. That was how I built my wardrobe.” Now, things look different. “I don’t really buy vintage anymore,” she admits. “I finally have the money to buy the pieces I used to try to emulate.” She doesn’t take this privilege for granted. “My mom told me early on that if you spend a lot of money on clothes, you have to take care of them,” she says. “And I do. I hand-wash my things. I even make hand-washing videos. I cherish my treasures. I archive them because I buy really beautiful pieces.” And she’s not kidding – from Jacquemus to Loewe to Marni to Dries Van Noten, Ellis Ross’s curation of luxury labels is highly covetable. “But when I travel – like, solo travel – those are all my clothes. I don’t use a stylist. Everything is personal,” she says. It’s a point that segues nicely into her latest project, Solo Traveling with Tracee Ellis Ross, now streaming on Roku. Shot largely on her personal phone and with a nimble team around her, the series feels like an intimate travel diary – part inner monologue, part visual postcard, cut with a playful, social-media-friendly edit that keeps you engaged. But Ellis Ross hopes viewers will understand the deeper takeaway, too. “Oprah [Winfrey] once said I was the poster child for singledom,” she tells me. “I disagree with that. If I had my choice, I’d want to be the poster child for: Can you live life on your own terms? Can you find your own joy and be responsible for your own happiness?”

Phoenix Brown

FMedia personality and influencer