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june 2023
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Your toddler wanted the blue fork, but you gave her the green fork. A tantrum ensues. As parents, we sometimes feel like we’re in The Twilight Zone (namely, that episode where that five-year-old mindreading kid terrorizes the entire town), but these seemingly irrational meltdowns are actually completely normal behavior for the under-four set. A child’s limbic system is the brain’s emotional center, explains early childhood educator and developmental specialist Allana Robinson. “Our amygdala, which is the part of our limbic system that monitors our environment for danger—is growing super fast so it’s really overly sensitive [in toddlers and young children],” she says. If the amygdala is sensing danger, a toddler will go into a fight or flight response, which can be very difficult to snap out of once it is triggered. And even though your child isn't in any actual danger (see: green fork incident), a lack of control, feelings of discomfort and limited language skills to communicate their needs can easily send them into this spiral. While you’ll
“If a toddler develops secure attachments throughout their childhood with kind, nurturing adults that love them, they will learn to love and respect others the same way.”
Think of your earliest childhood memory. You were about 3 or 4, right? That’s thanks to childhood amnesia, a term coined by psychologist Caroline Miles in the late 1800s. While toddlers can easily remember their pre-verbal lives as babies, as time goes on, they actually begin to recall those memories as having happened years later, a 2016 study published in Frontiers in Psychology suggests. Then, as adults, everything gets fuzzier, eventually becoming only a few faint memories from early childhood. Guess your kiddos will just have to rely on mom to supply the stories (and embarrassing photos) when they’re adults.
Remember that annoying battery-powered robot your in-laws bought that wouldn’t stop beeping, so you chucked it in the trash as soon as they left last Christmas? Your toddler does. And he will continue to ask what happened to it every weekend for the next two years. That’s because toddlers’ memory retention is surprisingly excellent—in a study conducted by Emory University in the ‘90s, psychologists studied a group of three year olds who went to Disney World with their families. Most of the toddlers were able to recount even small details about the trip 18 months later. (But really, who could forget the words to “It’s a Small World?”) On the other hand, toddlers’ working memory, which allows them to maintain a train of thought, needs some work. “If you’ve given your child what feels like a reasonable set of instructions, but they keep getting off track, it’s a good sign they’ve reached the limits of their working memory,” notes Rae Jacobson of the Child Mind Institute. And if you have a toddler, it’s probably no surprise that asking him to go to his room and grab his pajamas from the dresser will result in a toddler sitting on the floor of his room, surrounded by Legos. “Sweetie, where are your PJs?” “Huh?” Rest assured, it’s normal and his working memory will improve with age, so don’t sweat it.
It’s a well-known fact that toddlers are total maniacs. One minute, you’re snuggling together reading Corduroy, and the next she’s angrily demanding a bowl of ketchup for dinner instead of the chicken cacciatore you spent an hour preparing. With all of the rapid brain development happening inside those cute little heads, it’s no wonder that life with a toddler can be a wild ride. Luckily, child psychologists and early childhood specialists have learned quite a bit about the toddler brain to help us hang on (and maybe even enjoy their quirks a little) until they reach Kindergarten. Here’s what we know about the weird and wonderful minds of kids ages 1 to 3, including why they remember everything, steal your phone and need the green cup now.
by Lindsay Champion
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every whim and serve him ketchup soup every night. Instead, try to consider difficult moments as an opportunity to come together instead of moving farther apart. “It may sound odd, but the mishap is not the problem, so long as there is a positive connection, a repair,” says Dr. Tovah Klein, author of How Toddlers Thrive" The key at times like these—when their needs collide with ours—is how you reconnect with your child. Coming back together again, without blame, lets them know you are here for them, always, even when bad moments happen.” So even if you have to take your toddler’s favorite toy away because she won’t stop hitting her sister with it, set a firm boundary while still acknowledging their point of view. (“Yes, I know you’re upset, but I can’t let you hit your sister with the truck. I have to take it away now. We can talk about it if you want, and I’ll be right here if you need me.”) Deep down, your toddler wants to be understood, just like you do…even if her brain does work a little differently.
Parenting has come a long way since we were kids. Time outs and bribery have widely been criticized as ineffective and outdated (sorry, Supernanny) while gentle parenting and positive discipline are the methods du jour. But wait—this doesn’t mean you have to give in to your toddler’s
Daycare? A nanny? Grandma’s house? Home with Mom or Dad? As long as your toddler spends the day with an adult who is kind and attentive, the type of childcare might not matter much. “Evidence suggests that children of working moms grow up to be just as happy as children of stay-at-home moms,” notes Nicole Cuttia of New York Behavioral Health, citing a Harvard study of more than 100,000 parents. Bottom line: Do what feels right for your toddler (and the rest of your family), and everything will fall into place.
Your two-year-old has 10 bazillion toys, but she’s only interested in your phone. (Her next favorite plaything? The remote, followed by the dog bowl.) As you could probably guess, that’s because you find it so interesting. And while it may be cute to see them make pretend phone calls, watching you scrolling Instagram at the dinner table might be affecting them more than you realize. In this video of the ”Still Face Experiment” by Dr. Edward Tronick, babies are overjoyed when their parents smile, laugh and otherwise mirror their feelings back to them. But when a parent just stares into space, not reacting, it can be very upsetting for a young child. The solution? Keep the mindless scrolling to a minimum around your kids because they’re definitely paying attention. (Even if you’re just catching up on Dr. Becky’s Instagram.)
If you’re a parent and the name Dr. Becky Kennedy doesn’t ring a bell, we’re about to change your damn life. The Instagram-famous psychologist and parenting expert is our go-to for pretty much everything toddler related, and we’re constantly repeating her brilliant adage: “There’s no such thing as fake crying.” Toddlers are not developmentally able to manipulate adults, and the concept is “based on a problematic assumption that we—the parents—have a better idea of what’s going on inside a child than the child does,” Dr. Kennedy explains. Instead, try to give your child the benefit of the doubt and seek to understand the root of what is making them so upset. “Every human is looking to feel seen,” she says. (Ugh, she makes it sound so simple!)
Ever heard of Attachment Theory? First coined by psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s, Attachment Theory posits that a child’s relationship with her primary caretaker sets the stage for the way she bonds with her future partners, friends and even her own children. Ainsworth created an experiment called “The Strange Situation.” Basically, test-subject toddlers entered a room with a parent and some toys, and were then observed as the parent exited the room and a stranger entered. It actually didn’t matter much if the child freaked out when the stranger entered or not. Regardless of their reaction to the stranger, if the child was immediately calm and happy when mom returned, that’s a secure attachment. Did she become more upset or just straight-up ignore her mom when she returned? That could mean the toddler has ambivalent or insecure attachment, which is linked to depression and paranoia, in addition to drastically affecting the child’s relationships when she reaches adulthood. But if a toddler develops secure attachments throughout their childhood with kind, nurturing adults that love them, they will learn to love and respect others the same way. Fascinating, right?
typically need to ride out a tantrum with your kid once it starts (think lots of hugs, deep breaths and nodding while she wails), making sure she’s slept well, eaten and used the bathroom can sometimes prevent a tantrum from beginning in the first place.
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I took it out from its place in the closet, unpacked the tissue and explored its every nook and cranny: a neoprene slip for a bottle. A bungee clip here, a bungee clip there. Several mesh pockets. A secret zipper. It had been designed with such specificity for diapering, all of which went over my head. Not only did I have a baby I didn’t understand how to work, but the internal organs of this diaper bag further complicated my understanding of parenting. I called my friend in a panic. “Would it be…crazy to put, like, my pump in the diaper bag?” I braced myself for humiliation: “A BREAST PUMP? It’s a diaper bag, dummy!!!” But instead, my friend laughed and said, “It’s for whatever the fuck you want.” Two years later, I have since left the house with said diaper bag and baby and have still never figured out how to keep my stuff organized in all its many storage options. But I share that story because as trite as it seems, it is what I continuously need to refer back to when I don’t trust myself as a parent…which is often. Sure, I can mute the influx of gentle parenting accounts on Instagram, but the lingo has infiltrated the airwaves. Everyone seems to know better than you when it comes to sharing, feeding, tantrums, manners, Montessori, screen time, etc. There’s a script for every type of interaction you can possibly have with a toddler. “Oh, Dr. Becky said to click your heels together three times and say ‘there’s no place like home,’ next time your 2-year-old spits and yells ‘I POOPING’ at the checkout clerk. I nod, “Oh yeah, I have to try that! I don’t know what I’m doing!” And I mean that. I feel that: I don’t know what I’m doing. Parenting a toddler in public is like trying to figure out what those damn bungee clips are for as the time bomb ticks down to 0:00. At pickup, my child refuses to get in the stroller, yells “No Mama!” and proceeds to run (OK, waddle) toward the street as I chase her like I’m a really bad kidnapper.
“Sure, I can mute the influx of gentle parenting accounts on Instagram, but the lingo has infiltrated the airwaves. Everyone seems to know better than you when it comes to sharing, feeding, tantrums, manners, Montessori, screen time, etc.”
I bought my diaper bag when I was barely five months pregnant. It was the one everyone seemed to have, and it was on sale. I kept it in a closet with all its packing tissue untouched until the baby came. There would be times in my pregnancy when I would need some sort of large vessel to ferry goods from my Brooklyn apartment across the East River and several New York City blocks toward the Hudson, but the diaper bag never crossed my mind. It was a diaper bag. Not a computer bag. Not a sack lunch bag. In a sense, the bag didn’t even belong to me. It belonged to diapers. When the baby came, I was deeply in love but also deeply in shock. The hospital was really going to let us take her home? Did they not understand that we, like, didn’t know how to do anything? We drove 18 miles per hour the entire way back to our apartment. Those first two weeks, I didn’t leave the house. While my family was concerned about me getting some fresh air, I was concerned about my diaper bag. Would it ever get a chance to do its thing and shine bright? I wasn’t ready to leave the house for a diaper-bag-worthy excursion, but as I sat on the couch watching countless episodes of Below Deck with no sense of up or down, day or night, Captain Lee or Captain Sandy, I could feel the diaper bag pulse like a tell-tale heart beneath the floorboards. Use me, it bellowed.
By Dara Katz
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I may never know what those bungee clips are for. But I do know that I’m her mama. There are social media accounts for every type of parenting stage and style. You can find a script or hack for whatever issue you’re dealing with. These are great resources. But as someone who let the pockets in a diaper bag make me question my own intuition, I have to remember that the parent industrial complex wants me to push down my gut feelings and buy this book, that toy, this philosophy. Maybe it’s time to use a gentle parenting script on myself: I know you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing and other parents judge you, but trust yourself to know your own child and her needs. The only thing I have to pack in my diaper bag? My maternal instincts. OK, and cookies to bribe my kid with.
I look at my daughter, all red and blotchy from crying and clearly uncomfortable. I scoop her into my arms in a big bear hug and rock her back and forth and side to side. She calms down. Her eyes flutter. She almost immediately falls asleep on my chest and stays there for the next hour. When she wakes, she smiles sweetly and says, “Hi Mama.”
“I have to remember that the parent industrial complex wants me to push down my gut feelings and buy this book, that toy, this philosophy.”
The next morning, my toddler goes ballistic. She sleeps in, but she just seems off. She’s not running a fever, but she’s scream-crying at every move I make. I mentally page through the parenting scripts in my brain. Filed under: #connectiveparenting #cooperation #empathy BOOM: “You know what, sweetie?” I ask as she flails on the ground. “I’ve been wondering, how do you think I’m doing as your parent?” She pauses for a millisecond as if she’s actually considering the question, and then “NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” I nod. “I’m really glad you’re sharing that with me. I’m gonna think on that.” I pull up another script: “I completely understand that you’re upset because…because you just are. I love that you are always you.” Thank god she’s too deregulated to even try to piece together the nonsense coming out of my mouth. I take a step back and remember: I can put whatever I want in the diaper bag.
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“Do you follow Peace and Parenting? She has a really good tip for when you clearly have lost control over your child and they’re running into the street,” a fellow parent asks after me. “Oh, I need to! Thank you!” I yell as I scoop my kid up a few inches before the curb. My child is maniacally laughing, “Again! Again!” The other parents stare as I performatively spew some Instagram parenting wordage: “I EMPATHIZE WITH YOUR NEED FOR SPEED BUT MOMMY NEEDS TO KEEP YOU SAFE.” I quietly bribe her with cookies to get her in the stroller. “Y'all have a good night!” I say as we stroll off. WTF I’ve never said “y’all” in my life. That night I can’t sleep. Do I have to incorporate “y’all” into my speech every time I see these parents? What if we become life-long friends? I think up a Texas backstory.
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- Blake Lively
“Having a baby is just living in the constant unexpected. You never know when you’re gonna get crapped on or when you’re gonna get a big smile, or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics.”
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If hot dogs are a way of life, this one's for you.
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According to experts, it can do more harm than good.
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Essential skills for toddlers.
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The call is coming from inside the house.
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Because it’s time we stopped lying to each other.
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Including why they just won’t freakin’ do it already.
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It works for kids; why not give it a shot?
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