Like so many young adults who go off to college, Brad Sorte came home with a heavy drinking problem. At first, his parents and high-school friends shrugged it off as a summertime habit, but when the binging continued into the fall, Sorte started to notice his old pals weren’t answering his texts or calls.
“By Thanksgiving, I was pretty alone,” says Sorte. “A couple lifelong friends stayed in touch, but most had moved on with important things in their lives, while I felt stuck, and that made the problem worse.”
Kristen lost her high-school sweetheart when she was in her mid-20s. To cope, she started drinking heavily, relying on her friends and family to get her home until, she too, saw her loved ones start to distance themselves from her situation.
“It was obvious that I had a problem, but it was too painful for people to even be around me,” says Kristen.
We all know someone like Sorte or Kristen. They are our brothers, our sisters, our classmates, and our best friends. We love them and always want what is best for them. But oftentimes it’s tough to speak up and step in, even when we see them destroying their careers, their families, and themselves. We tell ourselves that it’s not that bad or that we aren’t fit to judge. Meanwhile, even if the loved one is outwardly in denial, inside they might be screaming for someone to intervene.
Fortunately for Kristen and Sorte, both eventually got the help they needed. And today, they have dedicated their careers to helping others like them. Sorte is now CEO of Caron Treatment Centers, a nonprofit founded 65 years ago by Richard J. Caron and devoted to addiction and behavioral healthcare treatment, research, prevention, and addiction medicine education. Kristen is a nurse practitioner who helps people living with addiction.
Together, the two possess a wealth of knowledge and training in how to help people treat their addiction. They also have words of advice for the friends and family who see their loved ones struggling with addiction but aren’t sure how to help.
“It would have been so helpful for friends or family to say they were concerned,” says Kristen. “Of course, I take responsibility for my actions, but I think just having my behavior pointed out to me would have been valuable.”
It’s Time To Get Real.
Addiction is different for everyone. Each of us has a completely unique and complex equation of life experiences, living situations, genetics, and mental and physical makeups that define who we are. Accordingly, our treatments must be personalized to our individual situations for the optimal result. That’s why Caron takes a personalized approach to care. For the duration of your stay, you will be with people who typically share similar professional and social backgrounds and lifestyles. Caron provides a safe space that enables you to balance the demands of your personal and professional life as clinically appropriate while focusing on building the foundation for long-term recovery. We meet you where you are — and not just in a metaphorical sense. With treatment centers in Florida and Pennsylvania, regional recovery centers all along the East Coast, and an established network of vetted therapists, Caron ensures that help is always nearby when and where you need it.
If you wait for someone to see the light, you’ll always be waiting, and it could end up tragically. It’s a huge fallacy that someone has to come to a realization on their own about needing treatment, if it’s going to be effective. You need to take action."
Brad Sorte, CEO of Caron Treatment Centers
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Whatever you say or write, you need to strike the right tone. You don’t want to come off as holier than thou or confrontational. To avoid pointing fingers, try to present your perspective and specific observations. The experts at Caron suggest using what they refer to as “I” statements. For example:
Value-Based Care
Caron’s Model for SUD Treatment Works
75%
OF PEOPLE WITH A SUBSTANCE USE DISORDER ULTIMATELY FIND RECOVERY
READMISSION RATE
5.6%
RATE OF RECOVERY
94.4%
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If you see there is a problem and feel compelled to speak up, don’t wait. Even if you don’t get through at first, even if the person gets angry or dismissive, at least you’ve brought your observations and concern to their attention. That might help them re-evaluate their own behavior.
Also, it’s important to back your words up with action. Tell the person that you can meet and hang out, but only if there is no drinking or substance use. Setting clear boundaries and sticking to them, helps convey the extent of your concern.
But however you decide to act, just be sure to act. Don’t hold your tongue and wait for someone else or another event to intervene.
“If you wait for someone to see the light, you’ll always be waiting, and it could end up tragically,” says Sorte. “It’s a huge fallacy that someone has to come to a realization on their own about needing treatment, if it’s going to be effective. You need to take action.”
7 Signs Your Loved One Might Need Help
Binge use
1
Tolerance
5
Using alone
2
Values and behaviors don’t match
6
Self-medicating
3
Preoccupation
7
Blackouts
4
Featured Locations
Caron Pennsylvania
243 N. Galen Hall Road
Wernersville, Pennsylvania 19565
844-260-1324
Our multidisciplinary team addresses overall behavioral health, treating co-occurring disorders and substance use disorder, with residential programs for teens, young adults, adult men, adult women, and older adults.
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Caron Renaissance
7789 NW Beacon Square Boulevard
Boca Raton, Florida 33487
877-920-0917
With longer-term, clinically intensive mental health and addiction treatment designed to address deeper issues, we build a foundation of responsibility and independence for our patients’ lives in recovery.
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Caron Ocean Drive
7789 NW Beacon Square Boulevard
Boca Raton, Florida 33487
877-920-0917
Caron Ocean Drive provides robust clinical treatment for affluent individuals and their families by addressing the underlying causes of addiction to facilitate deep-seated healing.
AMY — In recovery since 2015
LAUREN — In recovery since 2019
KIKO — In recovery since 2013
DAN — In recovery since 2019
Don’t wait
It’s also important to plan out what you’re going to say in advance and to be specific so that what you’re saying sounds more from the heart. Also, concrete examples help support your sentiment and identify patterns of behavior that the person might not even be aware of. For instance, when Kristen was in active addiction, she says she wasn’t thinking about how much she drank or how it was impacting people around her. She was focused solely on her next drink.
• “I’ve been concerned about you because it seems like your health is being more and more affected by drinking.”
• “I was scared when you didn’t remember what we talked about over the weekend.”
• “I feel like the only time we see each other is when we hang out at a bar, and that makes me wonder if something
is going on.”
• “I really value our friendship, and I love you and care about you, but I’ve seen you drinking much more than our friends,
and that makes me worried about you.”
When you decide it’s time to talk, it’s important to pick the right place, time, and approach. Caron has some recommendations on how to best ensure a productive conversation that will have the best chance of a positive outcome.
First, pick the right surroundings. Obviously, it might not be wise to choose a bar or even a restaurant or event where alcohol is being served. Instead, look for an environment that might put you both at ease, like a park or trail. And if a face-to-face encounter is still a little too intimidating, don’t give up. A phone call or even a letter or email is better than silence.
Time to talk
Should you speak up?
There’s a reason that speaking up is hard. You know that by even bringing up the subject of addiction to the loved one concerned, you risk facing their denial, their mockery, their anger, or even violence. At the very least, you’re probably going to hurt their feelings.
So, before you work up the courage to say something, you want to be sure there’s a problem. Sorte, Kristen, and the professionals at Caron suggest looking for these red flags in the person’s behavior:
• Trouble with home life, a DUI, a car accident, job loss, or any other large-scale consequences of drinking or
substance use
• Changes in appearance, like significant weight loss; weight gain; or sudden lack of bathing, hygiene, or self-care
• Shifts in schedule, especially a reduction in activity, being unable to make plans in the morning, or planning around
opportunities to drink or use
• Hanging around more with other people who drink or use and avoiding or ghosting friends and family who voice concern
The last point underscores just how difficult it will be to intervene. But by stepping up and saying something, you might be their only hope for survival.
DAN — In recovery since 2019
KIKO — In recovery since 2013
LAUREN — In recovery since 2019
AMY — In recovery since 2015
