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The Dali Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu embrace a life of joy, though both have known many tragedies and sorrows. To quote Archbishop Tutu, “Discovering more joy does not, I’m sorry to say, save us from the inevitability of hardship and heartbreak. In fact, we may cry more easily, but we will laugh more easily too. Perhaps we are just more alive. Yet as we discover more joy, we can face suffering in a way that ennobles rather than embitters. We can have hardship without becoming hard. We can have heartbreak without being broken.”
Sound appealing? Here is their prescription for a life of joy, as presented in The Book of Joy—the eight pillars needed to achieve joy as your way of life.
Four of the pillars are found in our minds and our thinking:
1. Find and take a wider perspective: An event in your life may seem catastrophic now, but in five years will it seem so? And if you look at this event in the context of your whole community, is your one problem really so large? Taking the wider perspective can minimize drama and angst and help us to see that often our problems are just part of the ups and downs of life.
2. Humility: Humility is acknowledging that we are all humans, with limitations and weaknesses as well as gifts and strengths. We don’t have to constantly compare ourselves to others, making us feel better or worse about ourselves. With humility comes the advantage of being open to learning from others, from life events, or from wherever, as there is no investment in already knowing or being above any task or person. Life is an adventure we all share, rather than a race we should feel compelled to win.
3. Humor: Humor is the ability to discover, express, and appreciate the ludicrous, absurd, incongruous, and ridiculous in life, especially in yourself. Humor can be kind and gentle, as we laugh at our own foibles and at life’s silliness, but it can also be cruel, if another person is the object to demean and belittle. But mostly, humor is fun, laughter, and hilarity, soothing and reassuring us that after all, we are just human.
4. Acceptance: With acceptance, we engage in reality as it is, not with anger or resentment that it is not what we want nor with pretending that it fulfills our wishes or fantasy of what we want it to be. Railing against reality wastes time and energy and brings the danger of getting stuck in those ugly emotions. This pillar is best described in the matter-of-fact expression, “It is what it is,” which carries with it the implication to deal with it and move on.
These next four pillars are sourced in our emotions:
5. Forgiveness: To forgive is to let go of resentment, feelings of being wronged, and expectations of punishment or penance on the part of the party who did the wrong. It does not mean to forget, as we certainly need to learn from the experience. The beauty of forgiveness is that it offers a gift both to the one who is forgiven and to the one who forgives. Forgiving frees a person from the ugly emotions of anger, hatred, resentment, and vengeance taking permanent residence within, dimming the person’s own good spirits. Instead, through forgiveness we can return to being free and open in our emotions, not weighted down with negatives.
6. Compassion: Compassion is the ability to care and be concerned about another’s feelings and sufferings, inspiring the motivation to help the other. It is being focused on another person and their experiences in life, temporarily setting aside your own ego and self. Often neglected is self-compassion, the ability to look at your own feelings and sufferings from an outside perspective, instead of self-condemning and judging.
7. Generosity: If compassion is perceiving someone else’s pain and need and empathetically feeling it, then generosity is the act of giving relief, help, healing, or happiness to the other. A generous act more than repays the person who gives of his or her time, wealth, and self to others with joy.
8. Gratitude: Gratitude is an appreciation and thankfulness for all that comes our way in life, both great and small. It is possible to feel gratitude for challenges, illness, and adversity in life, as these experiences afford opportunities for growth and becoming a better person. To be full of gratitude is the opposite of having a sense of entitlement or feeling that life owes us all the power, wealth, and acclaim we desire. In fact, a person who has what appears to be very little in life can be filled with gratitude, while someone who appears to have everything can feel cheated and resentful. Who then is happier and has more joy?
As a therapist with a degree in psychology from the University of Michigan and a master’s degree in social work with a clinical specialty from the University of Chicago, I work to help my clients find and free their best selves. Therapy is a journey I take with my clients at Connecticut Behavioral Health Associates in New London, as we work through things like depression, anxiety, other disorders, and layers of defenses to let go of all that holds them back from their healthy selves. Along with my colleague Dr. Bassam Awwa, founder of CBHA, I try to help clients welcome joy into their lives.
oy is a state of mind characterized by the acquisition or expectation of good, gladness, or delight. In this dictionary definition, it is not only
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The Emotions
of Joy
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Social media platforms rely on people feeling negative emotions during time spent on the Internet
Following these eight pillars is a prescription worth trying. If you have further questions about the emotion of joy and how to cultivate it in your own life, visit our website at www.ctbehavioralhealthassociates.com or call our New London practice at (860) 437-6914.
By Ann Sawyer, LCSW
Connecticut Behavioral Health Associates
having these positive feelings but also anticipation of them in the future that allows joy to define a person’s life. By this, life is seen as offering positive possibilities, no matter the current state.
References
His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, with Douglas Abrams. The Book of Joy. Avery/Penguin, New York, 2016.
Sponsored by Connecticut Behavioral Health Associates, P.C.
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oy is a state of mind characterized by the acquisition or expectation of good,
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